The Case of the Chocoholic Squirrel
by donutsweeper
Summary: Owen and Jack are on a stakeout of a squirrel that has been stealing chocolate.
1. Chapter 1

**Title: The Case of the ****Chocoholic Squirrel  
A/N:** Inspired by the Reuters newspaper article, "Chocoholic squirrel steals treats from Finnish shop"

* * *

Jack had finally gone mental. Off the deep end. Nutters. Absolutely bloody insane.

It had started innocently enough, Tosh had been reading this newspaper article out loud and suddenly Jack got it in his head to fly to Helsinki to investigate. So here we are, standing in the rain, freezing our bloody arses off on a stakeout. Of a squirrel. A stupid bloody chocoholic squirrel. Everyone else thought it was cute. Everyone else laughed. But not his royal bloody Harkness. Oh no, he got all serious. He demanded we check it out. Not the girls, not the tea-boy, just us. So here we are. In bloody Finland, waiting for some stupid squirrel to sneak into a shop and steal one of the chocolates like it had been doing for every day for weeks now.

Bloody nutter. There better be hazard pay for this. Who the hell cares if some stupid squirrel is snitching some chocolate? I should be in bed right about now. Or in someone's bed. Or at least in Cardiff. Not in here. In the rain. Waiting for a squirrel. Just when I think this job couldn't get any weirder here we are, armed to the teeth about to confront a stupid chocolate stealing squirrel. And Harkness wouldn't say why. Oh, he'd said something, but it was in that damn cryptic Harkness-speak that never actually amounted to actual information and was utterly useless.

God, I'm bored. Where's a weevil attack when you need one?

What the hell is so dangerous about a chocolate addicted squirrel anyway? I mean really, what the hell? Is the sugar rush going to force a glycemic overdose and cause it to go on a killing spree? Or is it some weird version of that sex gas that infected Carys but causes the munchies instead? Oh yeah, Harper, that's bloody likely. Alien gas infected squirrels taking over the world one chocolate at a time. Now you're sounding as mental as Jack.

Speaking of Jack... where the hell did he go? He had been leaning against that wall... I better find him. Losing your Captain probably breaks some major rule in surveillance. And besides, he has the plane tickets. Where... Wait, that sounds like Jack...

"I mean it Murray, this is the last warning you'll get!"

Peering around the corner I see Jack threatening a squirrel with a huge pulse cannon. The little thing's just sitting there, staring at him.

"Jack... what the hell..." but Jack doesn't even flinch.

"Draw your weapon Owen." The squirrel slowly turns towards me. "Now, Owen."

Jack sounds so serious that I figure I'll humor him so I pull out my handgun. I swear the stupid squirrel is laughing at me.

"Murray..." Jack says, and I hear the hum of the cannon powering up. "I mean it..."

The squirrel tilts its head slightly, then slowly turns around and runs to a bush. Just before it slips under the leaves I could swear it sticks its tongue out us.

I start to ask Jack, "Did you see..." but then the bush starts shaking and suddenly there's this big whoosh sound and a wild wind blows up. And then the bush is gone. Just gone. "What... What..."

Jack clicks off the pulse cannon and says, "Don't read any of my memos?" then he turns around and walks off.

I just stand there for a second, looking at the empty spot where the bush had been, and at the pile of chocolate wrappers sitting there now. I have no idea what the hell just happened here and I have the feeling I never will. Not unless I want to wade through all those memos anyway. Maybe ignorance is bliss...

I need a drink.

And maybe some chocolate.


	2. Chapter 2

"Murray's back," Jack announced as he walked past my desk.

Murray... Murray... Murray... Who the hell was Murray? I was about to call out and ask him when I took a look at his face. He had that 'come on and prove to me that you're as incompetent as I think you are so I can fire your ass' look. So, I decided to keep my mouth shut. I hate that look; I get it far too often. He dropped a folder on my desk, hopefully it would have some answers for me.

Inside was a printout from a newspaper called _The Missoulian. _

"The Pine Cone Liberation Organization," he muttered. "Idiots."

I quickly skimmed the article. Let's see... apparently fire investigators were blaming several recent fires on "an unlikely group of arsonists," namely squirrels. Oh crap, _that_ Murray.

Jack snatched the paper out of my hands and began reading it out loud. "A lapse in squirrel-oversight intelligence had allowed the PCLO to engage in recon, planning and sabotage without fear of consequence or retribution." He shook the paper in my face. "Oh, no. There's going to be retribution. There will definitely be retribution!"

"I thought he just had a thing for chocolate..." I began to say, before drifting off under Jack's glare.

"You never did read those memos after that previous incident with him, did you?" It was more of a statement of disappointment than a question, but I'm used to that when it comes to Jack.

"I'm sure I've got them around here somewhere." I gestured at the random piles of papers strewn about that supposedly made up my filing system. Standing up, I made a half-hearted attempt at pawing through the stacks without having any fall over. Ianto kept offering to organize it for me, but since that meant I might actually have a chance of finding things and therefore lose my excuse for not being able to fill out necessary paperwork, I keep turning him down.

Jack ran a hand over his face. "You _do_ remember Helsinki, right?" He was frustrated with me all right, but not ready to kill me, not yet anyway.

Helsinki. Who could forget our mad dash to Finland to stand in the rain to freeze our arses off on a stakeout for a chocoholic squirrel? It was the highlight of the summer! Especially the way Jack had threatened it with a pulse canon, and not to mention how it stuck its tongue out at us before taking off in a bush-shaped spaceship.

"So," I wasn't really sure where to begin, "is another stakeout in our future? Do we have to hop a flight to Missoulia? Or is it Missoula?" Either way I had no idea where the heck we'd be heading. America somewhere, but no way I could narrow it down further.

Jack just sighed in response, adding in that slight shake of his head he always gave when he was itching to hit someone but somehow managed to stop himself. I always did admire that man's restraint.

"Missoula," he finally said, eyes closed and teeth clenched. "It's in Montana."

I knew better than to ask him where Montana is exactly. I was pretty sure it was one of those states in the middle somewhere, but Googling it to find out which one was probably safer than asking Jack for a geography lesson. "Should I start packing then?" I tried to sound like there was nothing in the world I wanted to do more than travel to Montana to chase after an arsonist squirrel. I knew I failed horribly in my attempt, but at least I tried.

"No. I'll inform UNIT though. They have jurisdiction there and teams nearby. Or, closer than we are anyways. Besides, I'm not sure we have the sort of firepower necessary for a task like this."

Just how much firepower Jack thought was necessary to take out a squirrel or two was something I really did not want to know. And, luckily, it looked like I wasn't going to have to find out. "I'm sure UNIT'll be able to handle it," I said, innocently.

Jack huffed in response, his opinions about UNIT's competence were legendary. "Keep the article though," he told me before he turned and walked away. "And file it with the Helsinki one."

"Right. I'll just go ahead and file it..." Ummm, sure, file it. Once I was sure Jack couldn't see me I shoved it randomly into the center of one of the piles. There. Filed. I leaned back, hands behind my head and put my feet up on my desk. Maybe arsonist squirrels weren't as bad as I thought they'd be.


End file.
